This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
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Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Don’t snitch tag.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.