Knock Knock
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#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Now, where’s the sport in that?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Chicken bread
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”