One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
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Oh we’ve met.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
wtf is an acronym
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
me working on my assignments ^-^
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear