Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
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Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I unironically love this joke.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?