Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
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Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??