Mad Max: Furry Road
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Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
When can I start eating bats again.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.