Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
You Might Also Like
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this