Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
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Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
shit just got real
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!