Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
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After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…