Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
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I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
yall want some gasoline milk
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Interior design 👌
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Camping tip: No.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”