“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
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Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.