me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
You Might Also Like
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.