One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
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Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Don’t forget to tip your server
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?