Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
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FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.