*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
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Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
These 3D printers are insane!
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done