Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
You Might Also Like
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself