Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
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the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??