How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
You Might Also Like
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Kidney stones? Hard pass
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
nature’s most graceful animal
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit