I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
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Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
nature’s most graceful animal
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this