I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
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Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”