The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
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How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”