I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
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I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I wanna be friends with this person
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something