When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
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Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Have a lovely day 😊
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Finally!
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!