72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
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Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
*praying for world peace*
God: