Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
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The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”