The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
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Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?