People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Netflix and awkward silence?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
omg leave her alone
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.