[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
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Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
just having fun
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.