HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
A man of commitment.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
So creative 😂
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?