Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Love thy neighbor’s dog
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.