so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
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I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Come back with a warrant
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Good Morning.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.