My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
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Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
cyclists
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Yes, this is exactly right
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I don’t make the rules sorry