[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
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I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Neil Diamond: 馃幎HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS馃幎
CDC: NO
i鈥檓 gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 馃槀馃槀馃槀
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 馃槀馃槀馃拃
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don鈥檛 give a shit