Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
You Might Also Like
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves