I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
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Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
When someone says you are so lazy
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.