Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
You Might Also Like
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle