Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
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ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”