I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
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Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
What a year we’ve had this week.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.