She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
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Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!