[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
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everyone’s a critic
constantly working on myself.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
sliding into dms like
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl