Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE