drew a comic about my origin story
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R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Is fructose made with real fruct?
My circle of trust is a meatball
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after