Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
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I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
#Thanos #MondayMood
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby