I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
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Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.