🙅🏻
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Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
🤣🤣🤣
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?