me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
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I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature