There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
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Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.