The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
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Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
it’s finally my moment to shine
Whoa 😂
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Confused owl: What?!