My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
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I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
dutch so unserious
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!