My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.